If the Foursquare mayor of your favorite station gave a address before all of his constituent , what would he say ? Would he be tolerant and wise to ? Or would he be a cocky idiot like the one in this fancied example ?
I ’m the Foursquare city manager of this goddamn Safeway , people , you considerably consider it . And if you do n’t consider it , I ’ve got my mayorship badge right here on my iPhone covert , stumper . And if you do n’t believe THAT I ’ve got a genuine electronic mail from Foursquare in my Hotmail inbox , failure . Read it and cry .
First of all I ’d like to say — sir , if you could put down that pocketbook of intellectual nourishment and pay off a little attention here — that I have no intention of being one of those “ in absentia ” mayor . You probably could ’ve guessed as much since I ’ve been sleeping in the pushcart corral since Wednesday . No , I ’m going to run Safeway # 1519 exactly the same way I run Circle K # 394 and only slightly other than than the way I ’m presently rule Mikey Boy ’s Pad : with an IRON FIST . I do n’t know how Stephen P. handle clobber around here in his mayorship flush , but based on the fact that he ’s drop dead NOW , I ’m going to go out on a tree branch and take up he was n’t exactly mayor material . Not like me , at least .
You need to see my résumé ? No , go ahead . Seriously . Take it . And no , that ’s not a typo , I am presently confine down twenty - four mayorships . You ’re damned correct it ’s a mess of duty , but you could see by my “ Crunked ” and “ Bender ” badges that I know when to take a respite and trim back loose . Knowing when to stop and political party down is important when you ’re running the kind of hardcore operation I ’m running .
Did you notice I ’m currently the Foursquare mayor of Phoenix City Hall ? Do you even sleep with what that think of ? I ’ll tell you what it means : it means I ’m kind of almost LITERALLY THE MAYOR . I do n’t think you apprise how difficult that was to nail down down ; you ca n’t just sleep in the parking lot there the way you’re able to here . Oh no . They ’ve got security , they ’ve got cameras . You ’ve got to put your clip in over there , son . work hours only . And they ’re pretty strict on the definition of “ loitering . ” as luck would have it , I ’ve got a delinquent child livelihood matter live on on right now that keeps me in lawcourt a lot .
No , I do n’t want an app . Why would I desire an program ? Are you even mind to me here ? I ’m the FOURSQUARE city manager . If I need your job I could take it , just like that , you better think it . It happened to that kid at Burger King # 1239 for a few minute , and it can sure as bull happen to you . I ’ve work foodstuff retail before . Frozen food for thought night crew . Almost five months , look it up . There ’s not a Foursquare badge for a jack - kicking work ethic , but if there were you well believe I could show it to you on my phone properly now .
So as I was saying , you could get used to picture my well - look mug around here . I ’m going to go ahead and take down my tilt - to in the parking lot and set up shop in the employee lounge . Ordinarily I ’d need a locker for my valuable , too , but I had to pawn my switchblade and my Swatch watch to pay off my prison cell speech sound bill so that ’s not really critical . Ha , sounds like someone deserve the “ Overshare ” badge , am I veracious ?
Yeah . I ’m right .
hold off , make on , I just pay off an electronic mail . What the ? Oh , you have sire to be kidding me , I ’ve been ousted by that flaming shirker Stephen P. ? ! ?
Okay , where the hell are you , Stephen P. ? SHOW YOURSELF . Are you that squirrelly little punk there over by the delicatessen ? No , do n’t tell me , I do n’t need any help with my interrogation , I ’ve been through this pile of sentence , come with the territory . I ’m about to unlock the kicking seat and taking names badge all over this goddamn place . Stephen P. ’s gon na get the hazard to kiss my royal ass . Go back to Starbucks # 3062 , STEPHEN P. !
McSweeney ’s is an independent publishing company based in San Francisco that publishes books , a quarterly fiction daybook , a quarterly film videodisk magazine , a monthly polish powder magazine , and a daily humor website . The McSweeney ’s iPhone app is available through the Apple store . For more data , visitmcsweeneys.net .
Photo byDennis Crowley
Fiction
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