Bethenny Frankelgot emotional on Wednesday’sReal Housewives of New York City, as she admitted that she didn’t feel like she had “an identity” atthe August funeral for her on-again, off-again boyfriend Dennis Shields.
The Skinnygirl mogul, 48, said she had a “complicated” relationship with Shields, the 51-year-old banker who wasfound dead in his Trump Tower apartment on Aug. 10 from a suspected overdose.
All of that left Frankel taking a back seat at Shields’ funeral, which was held three days after his death at a service on Long Island, New York.
“It’s different for me than for his ex-wife, who has to deal with the morgue and the bills and the kids and all of this other stuff,” she explained to grief counselor Dr. Norman Fried during an emotional sit down.
“I had to figure out where my place was at the funeral,” she said. “I didn’t want to intrude. I didn’t feel like I had an identity in any of it.”
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Frankel had met Shields nearly 20 years ago when he dated (and later married) Jill Schwartzberg, one of her high school friends.
The two did not stay in touch, but Frankel and Shields shared other mutual pals and began dating in 2016, several months after he separated from Schwartzberg (and three years after she filed for divorce fromex-husband Jason Hoppy).
Shields was still legally married to Schwartzberg when he and Frankel found each other. He eventually proposed to Frankel last April with a mega-carat rock, whichshe proudly wore. And though he was close with her 8-year-old daughter, Bryn, Frankel kept their engagement private and never really gave Shields a clear yes, telling him that things were on “ice” until some “conditions” had been met and “changes” made.
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On the Saturday before Shields’ death, Frankel finally confessed: “I have to exit this dynamic.”
“He had such a powerful force in my life and my daughter loved it, that it was like this whole thing that was hard to extricate myself from,” Frankel recalled on Wednesday’s episode.
After Shields was found dead that next Friday, Frankel began to feel culpable. “There was a lot in my mind about him dying right after that. I could not get off the ride. I feel guilty that the only way I got off the ride is that he’s dead,” she said, wiping back tears. “I hope I didn’t have anything to do with him dying.”
“Dennis told me if we didn’t work out, he was never going to be in a relationship again. He was going to be alone for the rest of his life,” she told audiences. “It was a tremendous pressure, and it kept me in. I don’t know what happened that night, and I will always have to live with that for whatever that means.”
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Since Shields’ death, Frankel said she’s felt that a weight has been lifted from her — which only makes her feel worse.
“I feel better and I feel guilty that I feel better,” she said. “Although I really loved him, my relationship with Dennis was not a healthy one. But losing someone I really depended on like a brother, a father, a friend, a lover — it’s not fair. That’s the one category that I really need to be filled. Whether we were going to end up together, romantically or not, he was still my person.”
As sad as the loss has been, Frankel has found love again.
Paul Bernon and Bethenny Frankel.Bethenny Frankel/Instagram
Dating is something that was hard for Frankel to do at first.
“I try to make decisions based on what I think he would want me to do. Am I supposed to be dating? Because I was dating before. What would he think of that?” she wondered onRHONY.“I want family. I want a unit for my daughter. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I know exactly what I want. I used to tell Dennis that all the time. He knew exactly what I wanted. He couldn’t do it.”
Fried gave Frankel some strong advice about dating again.
“There is no roadmap for grief and it’s okay,” he told her. “Loving somebody else is a testament to the love you had with Dennis. You’re saying, ‘Dennis, I loved your love. I loved being in love. I want to feel that again and so in meeting somebody new, I’m honoring the love that you taught me to feel.’ This relationship might help you grieve more for the loss that you’re suffering. It’s not that you’re hiding it or burying it. It’s facing it straight on. ”
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That seemed to motivate her to take a chance on Bernon, who she said she had met while Shields was still alive but didn’t start dating until after his passing.
“Dennis’ passing is very traumatic and it’s a weird time to be dating someone, to be honest,” she added. “[I] make sure I’m not transferring my grief from Dennis onto another relationship. Give myself the best shot at success.”
The Real Housewives of New York Cityairs Wednesdays (9 p.m. ET) on Bravo.
source: people.com
